Abuse Isn’t a Communication Problem

Communication skills. That’s what we are told make a good marriage. The ability to clearly and respectfully communicate our needs and wants. Communication is the hinge that a healthy relationship hangs on.

So when there is an abuse problem in marriage, poor communication is the first suspect. 

Did you tell him how his behavior felt to you? But did you really tell him? Clearly? Non-judgmentally? With the right words? In the right way? Wearing the right clothes? Was he in the right mood to hear your communication? Was you body language communicating the same thing your words were? Are you sure? 

Because, if he didn’t change his behavior, then you must not have communicated as clearly as you think you did. More clearly. No, more. Gentler. No, more firmly. More submissively. But don’t be a doormat! Let him know how this behavior makes you feel! But keep it respectful.

How is your word choice? How is your tone? How is your inflection? How is your facial expressions? Are you sure? Because he isn’t changing, so we must still not have the communication right. His continued abuse is proof of your failure to communicate.

Except it’s not.

Abuse isn’t a communication problem. It’s an entitlement problem. 

The sheep can bleat the clearest communication in the world, and the wolf will still devour her. Because he wants to. Because he can. Because he’s a wolf.