God wants better for you.
There. I said it. He does.
- No, the Father did not create a beautiful daughter to see her turn into a shell-of-a-person, walking on eggshells trying to please her husband.
- No, the Father did not create a beautiful daughter to see her lose her spark, zest, and joy at the hands of her husband.
- No, the Father did not create a beautiful daughter to see her “submit” to the will and whims of a man who is incapable of loving her.
And anyone who has told you this is “God’s Plan” for your life simply doesn’t understand God as a loving Father!
I am especially passionate about covert narcissistic abuse, and healing the damage it leaves behind.
Let’s learn to walk in the light and dignity of truth together, as Queens, precious daughters of the King of Kings.
Author. Certified Life Coach. Speaker. Your Crazy Redhead Friend.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
As a Christian woman, you know you are called to forgive. But somehow, this feels like it’s gone horribly wrong.
You forgive, but nothing changes.
Your husband acts like your forgiveness is a granted. I mean, of course you’ll forgive whatever he does. He may ask for forgiveness, but you both know that answering ‘no’ isn’t going to happen. He may not even ask anymore. Or he may even mock your forgiveness with ‘jokes’ about not being at 70×7 yet.
Then the church chimes in. Why are you speaking up? Why are you complaining? Sounds like the problem is an unforgiving woman! Go home, repent, and ASK YOUR HUSBAND’S FORGIVENESS for not extending him mercy.
The first thing you hear, whenever someone gets a whiff that things aren’t right in you home, is that divorce is never an option with God.
The pastor sits across the desk and breathes a heavy sigh, after listening to your story. He folds his hands and temples his fingers. “Well, of course, the real priority here is saving the marriage.”
You blink in disbelief. Didn’t he just hear you? Didn’t he hear about the control, the abuse, the fear, the tears? Didn’t he just hear about the cheating? The porn? The financial control and deprivation? Didn’t he just hear about the objects broken in anger, the abuse of your pet, the forced sexual acts?
God Hates Divorce, he reminds you.
What if you just, maybe go pray more.
For Christians, marriage is a call to “Die to Self.”
Well, you can feel everything that was you dying, trying to make this marriage work, and keep your husband happy.
You lay in bed, feeling like an empty shell of a person, a shadow. It feels like there is no room for you to exist in the marriage. You have let go of your hopes, aspirations, dreams… even your preferences, likes, and opinions.
Is this what “dying to self” means?
Would causing strife in your marriage, fighting to preserve your “sense of self” be contrary to Christ’s call?
Is it God’s will that marriage erase you?
Wow, you seem bitter!
You are at women’s bible study, and just made the mistake of sharing some of the most recent hurt. The leader made an instant diagnosis. You, my dear, are a very bitter woman.
Bringing up something that happened in the past? Bitter.
“Keeping score” enough to recognize that this is a pattern? Bitter, bitter, bitter.
Let go of his hurtful words and actions, as soon as he does them. Don’t remember anything. Never bring up the abuse again.
Now, let’s all pray for The Spirit to release you from this bitterness, so you can walk in the freedom of Jesus.
If a man isn’t treating his wife well, it must be that she isn’t submissive enough.
“Well, you always have been willful.” your mother says. She helpfully reminds you of that time as a toddler when you stubbornly stood outside for two hours because you were too prideful to let anyone help you open the door.
Everyone knows men can’t love willful women.
You rack your brain, trying to remember the last time you got your way over him, the last time you didn’t just give in. Nothing comes to mind. How can this possibly be a submission problem?
Do you wear what he likes? Try wearing his favorite color. Or cook the food he likes most? Style your hair how he likes to see it? Keep things tidy enough? Speak softly enough? With a smile? Never complain? Never ask for anything?
Yes? Well, do it all some more. The fact he is treating you poorly is PROOF that in some way he doesn’t feel respected. Be more submissive.
Are you giving him enough sex?
The Christian couples counselor is adamant. All of your problems stem from an inadequate sex life. Your husband has needs, after all.
He’s angry with the kids? Give him more sex. He uses porn? Give him more sex. He flirts with other women? Give him more sex. He berates you? Give him more sex. He has an affair? Give him more sex.
Oh, and what if the way he treats you in bed makes you feel used, devalued, and unloved? Or if sex the way he want it hurts?
Remember your body is not your own. It belongs to your husband, to meet his needs.
Repent of your selfishness and ask the Lord to help you get over your hangups.
Stop gossiping about your husband.
Why do you keep bringing up the way he treats you? Are you trying to smear his name? Real Christians don’t gossip.
Abuse is a private matter.
You will be responsible for hurting his good reputation with your careless words.
Repent of your own sins!
Yes, your husband behaved abusively. Yes, he drove drunk with the kids in the car. He cussed you out and broke your favorite vase. He lied about where he was. He refused to speak to you for 6 straight hours.
But let’s look at that beam in your own eye before we talk about the splinter in his!
Do not look to his sins. Or you will bring judgement on yourself. Look at your own sins and work on improving yourself.
No, we don’t mean trust that God is a good father who wants better for her daughter than to be abused.
We don’t mean to trust that God has your back, and will be there to catch you when you make the terrifying jump to freedom from abuse.
Or that He has peace and healing waiting for you on the other side of this, and ready forgiveness and understanding for all your own faults and sins.
No. We mean to trust that God will give you the strength to endure the abuse. Because we all know He wants you to stay and endure. Just trust Him that it won’t kill you someday. And trust that someday He will take away the free will of your husband, and force him to change. Trust.
Y’all! I’m tired of this bologna!
Our Lord Jesus Christ came to set captives free. Through Him, we are redeemed of sin. We are His sisters. We are daughters of the King!
His words were meant to crown us as heir in the Kingdom!
But His words are used instead for bondage. His words are used to create chains for the captive.
Here’s the truth:
Healing from an abusive marriage is likely the hardest thing you will ever do. Especially if it was covert narcissistic abuse. Choosing to get safe and get healthy is only the first step. Rebuilding a life,picking up the shattered pieces and creating something new is a ridiculous feat.
For the nonbeliever.
But for Christian women? Well, you’d think it would be easier, right? Because we have Christ fighting our battles for us. We should be able to rest, knowing the battle is already won.
But that’s not the reality for most Christian women struggling through, to leave, or after leaving abusive marriages.
The reality is that it’s often infinitely harder for Christian women.
We face additional trauma from spiritual abuse. We face gaslighting from church. We face shunning from our Christian community. We face confusion and guilt over whether choosing ourselves is betraying God. Many of us lose our faith in the process.
I Don’t have all the answers. (run away from anyone who claims they do!)
But I’ve become obsessed with learning.
After my marriage ended, I went through life coach certification. I’m back in university, finishing my marketing degree, writing a 2nd book, and trying to figure out how on earth to begin public speaking in the midst of Covid. 😉
The mission of this blog is finding, and speaking the truth that turns the Chains back into Crowns.